She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
