I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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