i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
