You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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