She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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