I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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