i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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