after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
