There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
