She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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