I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
