I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
