I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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