how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
