the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize