How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
