I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
