Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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