Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
