one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Randomize
