I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
someone owes me an orgasm
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Randomize
