I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
