i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
