if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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