Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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