I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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