i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
