dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
