We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
