i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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