this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
