I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
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