Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
