Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
