my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I want a musical about memes.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
