I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
