i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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