It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
