We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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