...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize