I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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