Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
