I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
