broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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