i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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