so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
it was like eating out sand paper
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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