remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Randomize