I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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