He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
