Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
