I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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