I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
