I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
