It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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