I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
