she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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