Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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