Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
